Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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