you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
