Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this beer tastes like vomit already
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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