I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
