I heard we made out
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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