Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
