what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
