Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
