I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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