it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
