I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I want her autograph on my taint
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
