Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
