No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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