I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
