My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
