ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
