Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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