We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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