I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
