I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
