They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
