I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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