No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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