Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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