i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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