My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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