So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
