My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she peed on how many people?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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