did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
