So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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