he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
