Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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