I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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