Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
