I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
