did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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