I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every concussion has its silver lining
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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