I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Actions speak louder than pants.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
