My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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