The maid of honor just puked.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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