His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
youre lurking in front of me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
