apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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