in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
