she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
