just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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