WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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