I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
