tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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