I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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