the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
