The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
