Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
