The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
