you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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