I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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