Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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