I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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