Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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