Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
