I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
